


It's as good as I can be (This is all that I can be)

by ttsg



Series: Save [1]
Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, M/M, Masturbation, Mildly Dubious Consent, Regret, christian!tyler, honestly i think its better than the summary makes it out to be, i havent done anything so bad in my life, read me, so happy thats a tag, sorta not really, this is honestly just disgusting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-14
Updated: 2016-07-14
Packaged: 2018-07-23 22:52:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7483044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ttsg/pseuds/ttsg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tyler struggles with the meaning of being religious as well as his developing sexuality</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's as good as I can be (This is all that I can be)

**Author's Note:**

> Forgive me for I have sinned. Tyler is about 16-17 through most of this. This is also just really disgusting and I lowkey (highkey) hate myself for writing it. This is also lowkey based off the song Save by Tyler Joseph

It was definitely not the way that he was brought up but he was realizing really quickly that he couldn't control it.    
  
Feelings, he couldn't control his feelings. Actions, though? He stopped caring when he understood that he was going to hell one way or another. Might as well go big and get a spot next to the devil.    
  
It first started when he hit puberty and learned what a boner was. Tyler was pretty sure that that night he cried because he felt impure for even so much as thinking about  _ touching _ himself. God forbid he get pleasure out of it. That was the same time that he really learned what sex was. His mother told him that it was between a man and a woman when they were deeply in love and married. Surely this was a sin, right?    
  
He hadn't actually meant to, it was completely an accident but he realized that  _ shit, shit, that felt good _ . He had been trying to distract himself from the weird feeling in his pants and he reached across himself to grab something off his bedside table. His fingers brushed against himself and he shivered. Tyler realized right then and there that he was going to hell. He experimented with it for far too long, trying to talk himself out of it because it was  _ so, so _ wrong but then he'd reach down and palm himself and he was biting his tongue because he couldn't help but whimper. Tyler would hold real still and look over to his door like his parents had heard and we're going to burst inside. They didn't and he let out a breath he'd been holding and applied a little more pressure. Tyler didn't need to look in a mirror to know that his face was red and he probably looked like he was in pain. But really it felt way too good and it was definitely not enough and he was struggling with keeping God in his mind while he was slowly palming himself.    
  
God slipped from his mind pretty quickly when he squeezed just slightly, squirming on his bed, learning pretty quickly how to keep quiet. Tyler was looking over his shoulder every so often at the door because he was still terrified that his mother might pop in for something or his brother, or sister, some random neighbor.    
  
It really wasn't enough anymore and he popped the button on his jeans, gasping quietly because he hadn't realized how tight it had gotten and how good it felt to relieve some of that pressure. Tyler let his fingers trail inside his pants slowly, wanting desperately to scream but he didn't, knew that it would end badly for him if he did. His fingers were tip-toeing over his boxers, a new and exciting feeling versus that over his pants. He felt more this way, it was easier to grab at himself, it was way more sensitive. He gave himself another experimental squeeze and then it was all too much and he was letting out these breathy little moans and he couldn't move and everything felt too much. He was choking over air, eyes wide and body frozen because holy shit, what even was that. His boxers felt wet and his face was wet now too because surely he had sinned, he would have to beg for forgiveness that night. Tyler buttoned his pants again and sniffled, standing up and heading over to the bathroom. He took a quick shower to clean off before he went downstairs for family dinner.    
  
"Tyler, why were you taking a shower in the middle of the day?" His mother questioned as she set the table. Nobody was paying too much attention to him otherwise they would have caught him in his lie, plain and simple.    
  
"Uh, just wanted to do it now and avoid doing it tonight?" He phrased it as a question and his mother still didn't notice.    
  
"You usually shower in the mornings before school," she stated, turning and looking at him. He quickly schooled his face as best he could, trying to hide the worry that was there.    
  
"Thought it would save time to do it at night since Jay and Zack like to shower in the morning, too." His mother accepted the lie and didn't question it again that night.    
  
He spent that night on his knees by his bed, hoping that he could be forgiven for what he'd done.    
  
After that first time, he tried to avoid it as much as possible. He couldn't deny it to himself or anyone up above if they were listening that he'd enjoyed it. The thoughts of touching himself kept popping up in his head and man, he wanted to do it again but he was trying to be good. He wanted his parents to be proud of him and he didn't want to lose his faith, he believed in it all. But that meant that whatever happened the other day, couldn't happen again. No matter how often he got hard, or how often he "accidentally" brushed his hand across the front of his pants. Each time it was like a shock of electricity and it was becoming increasingly harder not to.    
  
To keep up with his small lie, he started showering at night. It proved to be somewhat useful actually.    
  
Tyler could only tell himself no so much before it was extremely difficult not to. Exactly two weeks and three days was his breaking point.    
  
He was in the shower, trying to ignore the way his hand itched to just touch. He was fighting with himself internally before he decided that one little touch wouldn't kill him. God couldn't send him to hell just for a couple seconds, right? It wasn't actually a couple seconds though.    
  
He ran his palm across his dick, reaching his other hand up to cover his mouth because it was way better than he'd remembered. Tyler squeezed his eyes shut and did his best to let his mind go blank. He didn't want to think about religion or God because this felt nice and he was going to enjoy it while it lasted.    
  
Tyler tentatively wrapped his fingers around himself, breathing in through his nose at even the light touch. It felt like his whole body was shaking and every nerve in his body was screaming good. He opened his eyes and looked down, trying to understand everything. He'd had sex education classes in school but they were brief and didn't explain anything. They'd basically told him that if he had sex he'd get aids or some other disease and that was the extent of his knowledge. They'd mentioned the word masturbation and he'd scoffed at the idea but now that he was here, it still didn't make sense to him.    
  
He moved his hand slowly, finding it hard to do much of anything because he was so sensitive, why had he never noticed before? He was definitely noticing now. Tyler squeezed his hand a little harder and gave himself a good couple of tugs before that way too good feeling happened again and there was white on his stomach and on his hand. He faced the stream of the water and frowned, watching as it washed away.    
  
That night when he was sure his parents went to sleep, he pulled out his notebook computer that his parents had gotten for him one Christmas. He was googling any keywords he could find, deciding that it couldn't be that much of a sin, he wasn't doing it to anyone else. He figured that if this was going to become a thing that he'd have to at least understand what his body was doing, what he was doing.    
  
It was an educational night for Tyler.    
  
He stopped fearing his own body shortly after that. He was still careful about it, worried that somebody might find out and judge him for it but he didn't mind so much. There was always that worry in the back of his mind, nagging at him to think about if this aligned with what they preached in church. It was a battle in his head that caused a lot of anxiety for Tyler. On one hand, it seemed like something that would be very against everything he had been raised to believe in, on the other, there wasn't anything he could remember that specifically said he couldn't. So he tried his very hardest not to let it affect him too much. It felt good and once he started, if his body was itching for that release then why should he continually say no. It was a hell of alot easier to just take a quick shower and get off then try to will away another boner.    
  
As he got older he figured out how to keep his body in check and for the most part, not to make situations uncomfortable. He was still a teenager though and it wasn't his fault if an awkward boner made an appearance when he needed it least. Tyler knew that he wasn't the only boy that struggled with it and eventually he stopped feeling so bad about it.    
  
Then eventually, it got harder for him to come, taking longer and longer each night.    
  
There was one night in particular that he remembered being annoying. It felt good, it really did. He was bucking his hips up into his hand, quiet moans falling off his lips but it just wasn't enough. It would build and build in the pit of his stomach but it wasn't ever enough. He was squeezing and pulling harder, trying to get something more out of it but it didn't make much of a difference. His arm was tired and he was breathless but not in the way he wanted to be. When he finally did come he was more frustrated than relieved. Tyler cleaned up quickly before he fell back into bed, his body exhausted. He huffed and rolled over, hugging his pillow as he drifted off to sleep.    
  
He decided that he needed to cut back on the amount of times he jacked off, that maybe it was too much and that was why he wasn't coming as fast or as hard as he used to. His brain wasn't completely convinced that it would work.    
  
Tyler's friends at school had brought the subject up. He didn't participate in it because to them he was still the goody-two-shoes Christian who they thought didn't even know what a dick did. They apologized for the topic but continued on anyway. Tyler listened in, smirking on the inside because  _ these fools don't even know. _   
  
"Hands are boring," one of them said, the group collectively laughing.    
  
"What? It's not like you could ever get a girl to even kiss you," and the rest of them muttered about the boy getting burned. Tyler let out a chuckle then.    
  
"No, I'm saying porn makes it way better."   
  
So it was a week later and Tyler was doing homework and he still remembered the conversation. He had his textbooks and notebooks spread out around him on his bed, a pencil in his mouth as he was chewing on the end of it. He glanced over at where his laptop was closed after being discarded after his research. He wondered how easy it would be to find porn. It hadn't ever occurred to Tyler that that was something he could do. He wouldn't even know what to look up but it seemed enticing. It was new and his dick seemed interested in the idea of it. Tyler gave a weak groan because he knew that now was not the time,  _ homework. _ It was soon forgotten and he was pulling his laptop over, opening it and logging in.    
  
_ This has to be against Christian values,  _ he thought to himself as he searched the word  _ porn. _   
  
A lot of options came up and Tyler was a little overwhelmed. There were a couple sites that Tyler had heard of before and he clicked on the first one, eyes going wide at the thumbnail pictures that were there. Naked people, everywhere.    
  
He clicked on one that said something about a 'big titty beauty' and figured that that would be good enough. He plugged headphones in while it loaded, looking between his laptop screen and the door for a few minutes. It was that same 'oh shit what if they catch me' feeling as when he first learned what it felt like to touch himself. There was the danger of getting caught and it was a little bit exciting to him. His eyes drifted back to the screen and watched as a man and woman as they were kissing each other, hands under clothes and everything. Things were slowly coming off and Tyler was definitely interested. His hand was under the waistband of his sweats, teasing himself softly. It was just light touches trailing over his skin, not even enough to come close to satisfying but he didn't want to come right away. He still had a good fifteen minutes left of his video.    
  
Unfortunately, he was only a boy and his dick was starting to ache and he didn't care if he finished the video or not as long as he got off and it felt good. It definitely did. He was jacking himself off, hand quick and his thumb sliding over the tip every once in awhile, his stomach tensing and then he was coming. This time, he wasn't quite as frustrated. He closed out of the page and laid back in bed, satisfied this time.    
  
Porn seemed to be the magic solution for the moment. It was new still and he really liked watching other people fuck. Sins aside, he had to admit he was having a good time with it. The more he watched, the pickier he got about what he was seeing. He figured out what turned him on and what was just plain to him and he picked things based off that. He liked when they were rough. He also really liked threesomes. Tyler didn't think that it was a fantasy of his or anything because he should have really enjoyed the videos where the guy had two beautiful girls all to himself. Sure, he could get off to them, porn was porn, but it didn't spark anything inside him that he felt should have been there.    
  
The ones he did like, were usually two males and one female. He tried telling himself that it was just because he liked it when the girl seemed a little more helpless but if he actually thought about it, he knew that he was lying to himself. There was an easy answer to his wandering thoughts but he refused to think about it. For now he was just gonna cruise on, not bothering to pay attention to the fact that his dick would ache if the two males started to kiss, the way his body would react and he'd have to close his eyes and still his hand for a moment. He didn't pay any attention to the fact that sometimes he'd replace the girl with himself, his own head picturing it as those two guys on top of him, overpowering and dominant, throwing him around like it was nothing. He didn't think about how when it was those thoughts, he came so hard the he let out a fairly loud moan.    
  
The next day he was starting to get a little worried about what it meant. All the thoughts that he was trying desperately to ignore. They didn't seem to want to go away though and it was starting to happen outside of him jacking off to porn. He would be at school in class and look over at a classmate, (he seemed to have a thing for football players). He'd wonder what it would be like to be pinned underneath one of them, to have them biting at his lips and gripping his arms so hard that it could leave bruises. Those were dangerous thoughts to be having at school.    
  
There were also slightly more innocent ones. He'd see a guy and wish that he could be there instead of the girl, holding his hand and getting to walk so casually with him. Those might have been the most confusing thoughts to have.    
  
It lead him back to porn one night, the thoughts swirling around in his head and he felt like maybe it was time to actually think on them. To figure out what exactly it all meant. Tyler had a really good idea of what it meant but he was still trying to deny that, didn't know how he could accept that idea and also remain with his religion. He was really trying to stay true to God, despite his numerous fuck ups lately.    
  
He opened his porn site, looking through the thumbnails and the names of the videos and not finding what he was looking for. He went up to the internal search bar and took a deep breath before he typed in exactly what he was looking for.    
  
_ Gay. _   
  
It was just a test to see how things went. Tyler was hoping that he'd watch it and it would kill any thoughts of masturbating that night and that that would be that, he'd be in the clear and not have to let those thoughts bother him anymore. So he clicked on a video and let it play. Tyler watched as these two men were making out, neither wanting to give up their dominance. He was desperately trying to tell himself that his body was reacting so strongly just because it was porn. There was always that undeniable fact though that he hadn't been this turned on when he was watching women do this. It was never lip biting, hand squeezing the base of his dick to keep himself from coming good. But he was watching one man fuck another and things seemed to click in his head.    
  
This was hot and he wanted it. He decided right then that he wanted some tough guy to throw him down on a mattress and fuck him.    
  
His orgasm left him shaking and blissful because he finally understood, a lot of things made sense. Tyler was holding onto that last shred of his faith because he believed God could save him, but did he want to be saved? Was god actually capable of saving his sin riddled soul at this point? Tyler shrugged it off, he didn't need to stress himself out just yet.    
  
Tyler found it a hell of alot easier to get off now that the videos he watched were men and men only. It didn't matter if it was kinky or if it was just them kissing and fucking slowly, Tyler got off every single time. And every single time it left him panting, his eyes squeezed closed, his hand moving slowly, milking out that  _ fuck, fuck, so damn good _ feeling for as long as possible. He would have to lay there for a few minutes and calm down because this never failed to get him going.    
  
While jacking off was always good, he was tempted to play into the thoughts that kept flowing through his mind. He definitely wanted to know what it was like to have someone fuck him and he wasn't exactly out, didn't know how to find someone willing to do that. So he experimented on his own.    
  
After school one day he sprinted to the nearest store, walking up and down the aisle that had condoms and lube, nervous as all hell to actually pick one out and buy it. They were all so colorful and there were different names and benefits and he was overwhelmed because he didn't know what he wanted, didn't know what it would do if he bought the one that supposedly felt good to females. Would it feel good to him?   
  
After a couple weird stares from passersby, Tyler reached out and grabbed one at random, running up to the cash register and setting it on the conveyor belt. The check out lady scanned it and Tyler handed over the money, biting at his nails as she put it in a bag and counted out the change.    
  
He ran all the way back home, waving off his mother's weird glance as he hid his purchase in his room for later.    
  
Tyler figured that for this new idea, it would have to be his decision only which meant no porn. He wanted to enjoy it because it felt good to him, not because he was watching someone else enjoy it. It was an experiment to see if he could really go this far with someone and enjoy it.    
  
He made sure that his family was all in bed, even giving them another thirty minutes to make sure they wouldn't be walking around for any reason. Tyler left his room to get a glass of water. Partly to stall what he was planning but also just to double check that nobody was moving around. The coast was clear and he was as nervous as ever. At the same time he was excited and he walked back to his room, closing the door and turning off the light.    
  
He'd moved the lube to under his pillow after dinner, making sure he could find it in the dark. That was somehow more calming to him, the dark, it was more of a psychological thing but if it helped then who was he to complain.    
  
Tyler started easy, palming himself like he always did, letting his eyes fall close and just get lost in the feeling. He was half hard when he decided it would be easiest if he took his pants off altogether and so he did. Tyler looked down at himself and kept the shirt on, using it to hide just a bit more, another thing that meant nothing but it seemed to comfort him. He laid back on his bed, hesitantly reaching out and jacking himself off slowly, going like that until his hips were bucking for more friction and he was aching for more.    
  
His hands were shaking as they found the bottle of lube. It seemed loud in the dark room as it opened and Tyler was even more nervous than before. There was excitement pooling in his stomach though, a dim feeling that urged him to keep going despite his brain that was telling him how unnatural it was. But there was lube on his finger and he was shaking with fear and excitement and he had to try it now, he would just be disappointed if he backed out now. Was it possible to peer pressure his own self?   
  
He reached back and pressed his finger against his ass, the cold shocking him and he tried to move away but he only got so far before he talked himself back into it. Tyler took in a deep breath before he pushed his finger in just barely and it was so weird, he couldn't move it in any farther. He was barely one knuckle in and he had to pause. He could feel it up in his throat, like something was stuck there and he was gasping but it wasn't completely awful. Tyler wasn't sure if that terrified him or excited him. It wasn't a natural feeling to have something inside his ass but it was a test, he wanted to find out. So he took in another deep breath and pushed his finger farther. His eyes squeezed closed and he wasn't sure how those guys in the video could do this, not even just one finger, a whole dick.    
  
Tyler let the pain wear away slowly and he was contemplating if it was possible to only ever suck dick and still be a good gay, (was there even such thing?). He couldn't honestly see himself being on top of someone every time, that wasn't what he thought of when he was jacking off in bed time and time before. It was always someone on top of him, fucking him rough, ordering him around and digging their fingernails in. Tyler pushed his finger all the way in at that and he slapped his other hand over his mouth because it was most definitely not a quiet moan.    
  
He felt a little ridiculous to just be laying there on his side, his breathing heavy and his pulse loud in his ears and his finger up his own ass but he was nervous, especially after moaning. He had to make sure nobody had woken up. Tyler started to rock his finger after awhile, slow and shallow movements, enough that the tip of his finger was moving inside, something completely new to him. He was whimpering against his hand, biting at his lip to keep quiet. His movements got bigger and he was pulling his finger out slowly, pushing it back in and no matter how hard he tried, he could not keep quiet. He was whining in the back of his throat, small little 'oh's slipping from his lips because it was such a new feeling and it was so good. His hips were wiggling, meeting his finger as he thrusted in. Tyler was testing out the waters but decided that it was okay and he was going faster, letting himself push in with a little more force. He gasped at the feeling, unsure of what to even do with himself from there. His hand over his mouth was useless and he opted for white knuckling his pillow.    
  
His dick was aching and he wanted to touch it so bad but he was a mess already, he couldn't risk being any louder than he already was. Besides, he was quite enjoying that feeling and he didn't want it to end. Tyler was pushing in as fast and as hard as he could at such an awkward angle. His whole body was shaking with pleasure and he couldn't keep himself from moaning. Tyler just prayed that he was quiet enough that nobody heard him.    
  
He didn't even have to touch himself to come that night. He fucked himself on his finger and it got to be too much and he was coming. Tyler couldn't even moan because he choked over the air in his lungs, the feeling hitting him quick and he didn't have any time to respond.    
  
Tyler pulled his finger out slowly, frowning at the new feeling before he got up to find his hamper. There was a spare towel behind it that he used to wipe himself off with. He went back to bed after that and felt that maybe he should pray before sleeping but he wasn't even sure what to ask for anymore. Tyler didn't know if he could get forgiveness at this point but he figured that if it was manageable he would have to stick to his faith as tight as possible.    
  
Tyler slid off his bed, pulling boxers on before he kneeled by his bed. He pressed his palms together and leaned forward until he was resting his forehead against the edge of the bed. Tyler waited in that position, hoping that maybe words would come to him but his mind was empty. Maybe confession would do him good.    
  
"I pray for forgiveness," Tyler finally whispered before he stood up and crawled under the covers. He knew that it was weak and that he could have asked so many things but he was tired and doubting so much of what he thought he knew.    
  
When Tyler woke up the next day he decided that he could only finger himself when he was home alone. He'd been careless the night before and it wasn't easy to control the sounds he made when he did that and it was better to be safe than sorry. He stuck to just simply jacking off for the next few weeks and it while wasn't quite as good as fingering himself, it still did the trick.    
  
"We're going to the fair, Tyler, would you want to come?" His mother offered, opening his door one day and looking inside his room. Tyler yawned and was about to say yes when he got an idea.    
  
"Is everyone going?" He asked quietly. His mother shook her head and he felt his stomach drop.    
  
"Maddy went over to a friends house but besides her and you right now, everyone is going," and Tyler felt the anticipation grow in his stomach again. He tried to keep it off his face.    
  
"'M sorry, ma, my stomach is feeling queasy and I think rides and stuff would just make me vomit," he lied and he didn't really like how good he'd gotten at lying right to his mother's face.    
  
"Well, you do know there's music and games and stuff," she tried and Tyler gave her a look.    
  
"What's the point if I can't go on the zipper?" He asked and she rolled her eyes before closing the door behind her. Tyler rushed out of his room, watching through the window as the car backed out of the driveway and he was completely alone. He ran back to his room, shutting the door and leaning against it because he was alone, he could do whatever he wanted. For all his house cared he could blast satanic music and get away with it. There were so many ideas in his head, most of them included walking around in a baggy sweater and boxers and eating food. He saved that for later and decided that maybe he could masturbate. It had been a couple of nights since he had last even jacked off. He hadn't been in the mood for it and now he had the range to do what he wanted, to be as loud as he wanted, nobody around to hear him.    
  
It didn't take him long to get the desire to walk over to his bed and shuck his boxers and off, leaving him naked and cold. He had his hand on his cock, jacking himself off a couple of times, smiling as he moaned because he could be loud and boy was he gonna. He rubbed his thumb along the slit and groaned, letting his head tip back as the pleasure rolled through him.    
  
Tyler pulled his hand away, reaching down under his bed for the shoebox where he hid his lube from last time. He stared at it for a minute, letting the nervous excitement wash over him. He knew that it was gonna hurt again at the beginning but he knew now that it was definitely worth it.    
  
He crawled into bed, pouring some lube over his finger, taking in a shaky breath before he rolled over, pressing his face into the mattress. He arched his back and left his ass up in the air, letting his mind imagine that there was somebody behind him. Tyler wanted it rough, or at least wanted to know what it was like for someone to be rough with him. It was as good as any time for that. He breathed in and out a couple times, letting himself relax before he circled his finger around his hole, teasing himself like that would stop it from hurting. He took in one last deep breath and pushed his finger in as far is it would go. He let out a long moan with it, trying to decide if it was a pained or pleasured moan. Tyler was left panting as he tried to adjust to the feeling again. He decided that waiting was too gentle on himself and he closed his eyes, pulling his finger out and pushing it back in as hard as he could.    
  
It was too much and he was still in a little bit of pain but in his mind it was someone else. Someone else was on top of him, pushing their finger in hard as he moaned into his sheets. It was a broken moan as he kept going, hard and fast, but it melted away into just pleasure and suddenly it wasn't enough.    
  
"Fuck," he mumbled, turning his head to the other side to see the lube lying by his pillow. He pulled his finger out and sat up, uncapping it and lubing up a second finger. He laid back down, pushing the first finger in again. It went easy and he moaned. His eyes were wide as he felt his second finger pushing at his hole. It was definitely painful and he wanted to stop himself but there was that voice in the back of his mind that whispered that he loved it. He got his finger just barely in and he gave himself a second to adjust and to let himself calm down. At this rate he was going to come soon and he wanted to hold off as long as possible.    
  
Once he didn't feel the need to squeeze his eyes closed anymore, he pushed both fingers in as far as possible and it hurt him.    
  
"Shit, fuck," he mumbled, pulling his fingers back out and pushing them in again. His voice was caught in his throat, mixed up in the pain of it all but he had no intention of stopping. There was a high pitched whine that left his mouth and he was making sounds that he hadn't heard before and he liked it. Tyler liked being able to be loud and moan, let whoever was around know that he loved fingers up his ass, that given the opportunity he would probably enjoy a dick up his ass as well.    
  
Tyler was twisting the angle of his fingers, trying to find that spot that he'd only ever heard about. He thought that he might've brushed it once or twice but he wasn't exactly sure.    
  
That was the second time that he came completely untouched. He pulled his fingers out and rolled over and panted into the air for awhile, wondering how he couldn't have not known he was gay only months before. It was so painfully obvious to him now.    
  
School for Tyler was a completely different problem. They all knew him to be a straight Christian kid. While his close group of friends knew that he wasn't completely pure, (he was a teenage guy, Christian or not most of them have jacked off), none of his friends knew how far he'd gone though.    
  
He had explored the idea of coming out once or twice, thought of the pros and cons about it. He decided that it would be worse to come out and kept that to himself.    
  
When his friends started thrusting the pretty blonde girl his direction, Tyler wasn't sure what to do. He figured that it would be as good as any time to come out but the words didn't find their way to his lips and instead he smiled and shook her hand. His friends were so sure that they were perfect together that they were honestly surprised when he said that they'd stopped talking.    
  
"What, are you gay or something?" One of his friends teased and it struck a note of anxiety in Tyler's chest. He laughed it off and shook his head.    
  
"Nah, don't worry about it. She's just not my type, I guess," he explained and it was one hundred percent true. She didn't have muscles or a dick. A little bit of a downside because that's exactly what he was after.    
  
He kept it a secret and he was getting good at lying. It got a little harder when basketball started up and he caught himself staring in the locker rooms. He wasn't attracted to any of his friends, not like that, but there was that curiosity that nagged at the back of his head still. He wanted to know what it was like to actually be fucked. His fingers were great for the time being but he knew the real thing would be so much better. Tyler tried really hard not to stare at his friends.    
  
He thought one night that maybe a temporary solution would be a dildo. It wasn't the  _ real _ thing but it was a damn close second. It would fill him up just like another dick and it would give him a taste of what the real thing was. It was honestly a great plan, except for the fact that he had no idea how to get one. He sure as hell wouldn't go into the mall and buy one from Spencer's, people from his school shopped there. He knew that it was far too risky to order it online and have it shipped to his house. He had no friend of the girl variety that he could trust with this side of himself. So he sighed and shrugged the thought off. His fingers were satisfying enough.    
  
Tyler wasn't bothered by his sexuality anymore. He kinda figured that God had either given up on him or was leading him down this path with some evil intended. What bothered him most was having to hide. He knew that his family would be unsupportive and that people at school wouldn't take lightly to it. Tyler didn't know for a fact that the outcome would be bad, he knew his family loved him, religious or not they should love him no matter who he liked. But he was still scared. It was terrifying to think of losing everyone but it was also degrading on Tyler to have to keep hiding. He couldn't ever feel completely himself because he was always hiding. Tyler couldn't talk about his feelings without the fear of slipping up and it was starting to drive him a little crazy.    
  
One night, instead of opening porn, he shocked himself, he found a website for gay and lesbian and any other person to the queer variety, to meet others. It was a place where he could openly say he was gay and know that he would be accepted. They didn't see the perfect boy that went to church every Sunday, they just saw the smiling boy with brown hair who said he  _ really _ was into guys. It didn't take long for men and women to start messaging him. A lot of them were looking for friends and Tyler was more than happy to talk to them. He was sitting in his dark room smiling because he had friends that he could be himself around.    
  
Tyler was talking to a girl named Julia who was in his same situation and she was just as thankful to have someone she could be herself around. She lived about two hours away and he offered one day to drive down and have a gay day with her. They could go to some town far away from both their homes and indulge at staring at girls asses and checking out the muscles on passing men.    
  
There was also a couple of men who messaged Tyler though they weren't his type but he was gladly making friends with them. There were also people who weren't after friendships at all.    
  
_ Brent: hey there, sweetheart _   
  
Tyler felt like he should be a little bit offended by the guys words, he felt like the term of endearment was almost derogatory but at the same time he was very, very down for it.    
  
_ Tyler: Hey ;* how are you? _   
  
_ Brent: lookin for a little fun, baby. saw ur in columbus and i was hoping u wouldnt mind? _   
  
That excited nervous pooled in his stomach and he was so ready to say yes but there was a small part of him that was hesitant. Tyler ran downstairs and found his parents in the living room.    
  
"Ma, you care if I go over to Ryan's?" He asked, maybe a too little quick and breathless for a friend from school. His mother and father both looked up at him and for a second he felt like they knew what was going through his head.    
  
"No, of course. You have hardly left the house, go have some fun, be safe," she yelled as he turned and ran back up the stairs to his room. He wrote out a quick reply to Brent and then checked himself in the mirror he had hanging. There was only so much he could do for his appearance. His hair was too short to style really and he didn't think changing clothes would really be necessary for what he assumed was a hookup. He shoved some spare clothes in a backpack and shouldered it, needing to make it look like he was actually going.    
  
"Bye, I'll see you guys tomorrow," he said, heading out the door. Brent had sent him the address of a place that he'd suggested they meet at and it wasn't that far of a walk. Tyler could manage. He dropped his bag behind some bushes in his neighbor's yard and headed down the street, trying to calm his nerves.    
  
Brent had sent him to a gay bar.    
  
He was pacing on the other side of the street, debating about if he should just bail. He was worried about if he saw someone he recognized inside. But then again, they couldn't use it against him because he had shit on them. Tyler took a deep breath and crossed the street, opening the door and slipping inside. It seemed they either didn't care or were too busy to notice that Tyler was underage.    
  
He found a piece of wall that was unoccupied and decided to wait there. Tyler realized he should have asked for a number or maybe looked at the photo a little longer before he decided on coming. He had no idea who was going to approach him or if it was even going to be the right guy. A fairly attractive guy was walking towards Tyler, looking him up and down like he was an object and he really should have been offended but he knew what they had in mind and Tyler was completely down for that that he let anything slide.    
  
"Tyler, right?" The guy asked and he had a deep voice that had Tyler curious to know what his moans sounded like.    
  
"You'd be correct," he said easily, unsure about the sudden confidence but he wouldn't question it. Tyler pushed off the wall and stepped into the guy's personal space, letting his hands rest on the guy's chest, letting them tug gently on the coat, hopefully a subtle hint that Tyler didn't want to stay.    
  
"I'm glad you showed up, I'm Brent," and Tyler smirked because this guy really was attractive and he was everything Tyler had been looking for. Admittedly, it wasn't much that he was looking for, mainly just someone bigger than him, but this guy was it.    
  
Brent had his hands on Tyler, pulling him in close while they talked, giving a bad excuse about it being loud, his smirk said otherwise. So did the hard line of his cock. Tyler smirked back, looking up at Brent, waiting for him to make a move because Tyler really didn't know what he was doing. Porn only got him so far.    
  
"Come on, I know a place not far from here."   
  
Tyler wasn't expecting anything fancy but he also wasn't expecting this.    
  
Maybe somewhere in his head he was thinking of a dingy bathroom and a wall to get fucked against but he wasn't gonna be picky. There was a neighborhood not far from the bar, all the driveways were long dirt paths. There weren't any lights and if anyone stepped in a couple feet then they were drowned in darkness.    
  
Brent was dragging him by his wrist, tugging when Tyler wasn't moving fast enough. His grip was nearing painful and Tyler thought that this might actually leave a bruise but it was the biggest turn on he'd found yet.    
  
Tyler soon found out that Brent wasn't looking for more than a hookup and that only. He wasn't into kissing, said he thought Tyler's lips would be more useful doing something else. It wasn't like he cared, really. He didn't come out tonight in hopes of finding a boyfriend. He wanted someone to fuck him and that was it, a new experience.    
  
Tyler's brain short circuited for a moment as he looked up at Brent. He seemed a little concerned for Tyler, maybe about to say that he didn't have to but Tyler dropped to his knees, his brain trying to find an excuse for why his knees were so dirty when his mother asked. If his hands were shaking, Brent didn't comment on it. Maybe they were both scared Tyler would back out if he was confronted with what he was really doing.    
  
He reached up and rested his hand over the button, digging deep to find the confidence to actually continue. He wanted it, of course, he was actually about to start whining because he really just wanted to get himself off right then and there but he was far more interested in pleasing this guy. The thought of that made that building feeling in his stomach start. Tyler let out a breath and unbuttoned Brent's pants, pulling the zipper down. He reached his palm inside, cupping Brent's cock before he looked up at the other man from under his eyelashes. Tyler didn't know the very first thing about being sexy but he figured it couldn't be that hard when he had his hand on this guys dick.    
  
The guy made a soft noise, a smile on his face as he looked down at Tyler.    
  
"That's good, baby," he whispered and Tyler enjoyed that way too much. He didn't feel comfortable with himself enough to voice his own desires so he hoped it was obvious in the ways he started to move his hand around Brent's cock, squeezing it softly the way he did to himself, knowing how it sent a jolt up his spine every time. Brent reached down and pushed his jeans to mid-thigh, his boxers following suit and Tyler definitely did not hesitate. His hand was back on Brent's cock, jacking him off a couple of times before he leaned in and licked at the tip. It was more of a test for himself, to see if he could manage this, but Brent seemed to like it.    
  
He leaned back, trying to remember all the videos he'd watched and what he was supposed to do, what those men had liked. Brent noticed the pause and stared down at Tyler, one of his eyebrows raised.    
  
"This is your first time, isn't it?" Tyler's eyes snapped up to the other mans and he tried to fake being offended.    
  
"What? No. I've done this plenty of times," he said, the lie spilling easily off his tongue but it seemed like Brent could see his nerves in his eyes.    
  
"That's okay, baby, open that pretty little mouth and I'll help."    
  
Tyler swallowed and sat back on his heels, tipping his head up to Brent and opening his mouth a little. Brent stepped forward, his hand reaching down and guiding his cock to Tyler's lips. He opened his mouth wider and let his tongue run along the underside of Brent's cock.    
  
"Stay just like that," Brent whispered, his hand going up to Tyler's hair. He grabbed onto it a little tight and Tyler let out a whine.    
  
"Shit, baby, you like that?" He asked and gave a short tug on Tyler's hair. He groaned around Brent's cock as an answer.    
  
Brent was pulling out of Tyler's mouth slowly, pushing in again. His cock touched the back of Tyler's throat and he gagged around it but he heard the moan Brent let out when he hit the back and Tyler almost came in his pants. He definitely liked pleasing.    
  
He was picking up the pace, pushing in harder, tugging on Tyler's hair harder. Tyler kept choking around his cock, finding it a little hard to breathe at times but he loved it more than he should have. He felt like for a moment God was watching over him, watching as this man fucked his mouth and he palmed himself because he was so fucking turned on by it that he couldn't help but start to touch himself. Tyler felt like that was the moment when he really lost the last shred of faith he had been trying to hold onto. But this guy was moaning above him, telling him how good Tyler's mouth was, and he found he didn't care about if he lost religion that night.    
  
Tyler was choking around this cock and he loved it. He also couldn't help the fact that his body's reflex was to cry. Tyler tried to reach up and wipe away the tears but that seemed to get Brent's attention. He pulled out of Tyler's mouth so fast, his hand going to rest on Tyler's cheek.    
  
"Shit, Tyler, I didn't mean to, are you okay?"    
  
He seemed genuinely concerned and Tyler figured that of all the people to hook up with, he was definitely the best option. Tyler shook his head as an answer.    
  
"Please fuck my mouth again," Tyler begged, looking back up at Brent, "I love it, I want you to use me."   
  
Brent didn't waste any time in getting his cock back into Tyler's mouth. He was rougher this time as well. He would tug on Tyler's hair, pulling his head forward as he thrusted in and Tyler could feel his eyes water again but he wasn't even going to ask for a second to catch his breath. His pants were beyond tight and it was starting to hurt. He reached his hand into his pants, pulling his cock out as he started to jack himself off. It only took himself a couple of strokes before he was coming. He was whining with it, knowing that Brent felt it when he let out a moan too.    
  
"Almost there," he mumbled a few thrusts before he came in Tyler's mouth. He could feel it in the back of his throat and could taste it and it wasn't the greatest thing. He swallowed around Brent's cock as best he could anyway. Brent pulled back, fixing himself back in his pants as he watched Tyler do the same, wiping his mouth and then standing up.    
  
Tyler stepped up into the other man's personal space again, his arm looping around Brent's neck.    
  
"I'd suggest next time you bring a condom," Tyler whispered, knowing that Brent could hear him in the close proximity. He raised an eyebrow at Tyler.    
  
"Whys that?"   
  
Tyler leaned up on his tiptoes so he could whisper in Brent's ear.    
  
"I've been dying for someone to fuck me into a mattress." He pulled away from Brent after that, turning and walking in the direction towards his house.    
  
When he got back his parents were already in bed. He figured it would be safe to head inside and get in his own bed.    
  
Tyler laid down and tried to sleep but his mind was stuck on what had happened. A part of him wanted to feel guilty for what he'd done, like maybe he should get up and pray, something. Instead he just laid there because a bigger part of himself liked it. He was thinking about what the appropriate amount of time was to wait before he could message Brent and beg for him to fuck Tyler. He was thinking about the way Brent moaned, about how once Tyler asked for it, he was rough with him, tugging on his hair hard and forcing his mouth over Brent's cock. He was thinking about those things as he dug for his lube and gave in because he hadn't gotten everything he wanted tonight.    
  
He knew his parents were a couple of doors down but he didn't really care this time around. He was quick about getting his first finger in, his body adjusting and then he was putting in the second. He pushed his face into his pillow, letting out a quiet stream of curses because it was painful. It didn't stop him though. He was thrusting his fingers as hard and as fast as he could go, a quiet moan slipping out as it started to feel good again. He breathed in deep before he was pushing in a third finger, farther that he'd ever gone before.    
  
"Shit," he whined, mouth hanging open as he gasped for air, trying to let the pain subside. Maybe that was his clue to stop moving his fingers and let his body adjust but he never once did. He slowed down for the time being, letting his fingers drag out slow and push in. There was another moan stuck in the back of his throat that he was choking around, trying to get it out but he couldn't. His eyes were squeezed shut and he was whining. The moan finally left his throat as he came on his sheets. Tyler got up shakily to clean himself and his bed off as best he could.    
  
Tyler woke up the next morning, sore from having stretched himself so much the night before. He almost regretted his timing in doing it because his mother was waking him up, telling him he had to get ready for church.    
  
"Why'd you come home last night?" She asked, a little surprised that he wasn't still over at his friend's house. Tyler was trying to find an excuse in his still sleep confused brain.    
  
"Remembered I had church, knew you'd be upset if I slept through it at Ryan's," Tyler lied easily, sighing when his mother took the excuse and left.    
  
Tyler winced as he got out of bed, going into the bathroom and taking a quick shower before he was changing into a nice pair of slacks and a button down. He looked at himself in the mirror and for a second he saw a good church boy, someone who had a nice smile that could let anyone know things were okay. Then he looked at himself in the eyes and he saw the boy he really was, the one who lied to his parents every day, the one who essentially snuck out so he could have sex with another man. Tyler saw that version of himself everywhere, saw it in the way he couldn't meet anyone's eyes anymore, in how his lips turned down at the edges rather than up. He hated it and to an extent he hated himself. Even so, he was still thinking about the next time when he hoped Brent would actually fuck him, he was thinking about how he couldn't wait to get his lips around another cock. He was thinking about how both of those excited him.    
  
Tyler left his room and went downstairs, getting into the car with the rest of his family as they all chatted happily.    
  
Church was the same as always but this time, Tyler felt like he'd crossed a line that he couldn't ever take back. People came up to him and tried to talk to him but he kept his head down, he couldn't look them in the eye and not feel guilty about it. They were asking about his plans for college, what he wanted to do with the rest of his life. They told him how they prayed for good things to come his way. He couldn't answer any of the questions because suddenly he felt undeserving of all of their attention. He was in a place of God and he had sucked another man off last night, fingered himself. What the worst part of it all was, is that he wanted to do it all again.    
  
Tyler desperately wanted to go to confession, to speak to God and ask for a way to fix what he had done. He knew that the person on the other side would be appalled with him and he couldn't even get the courage to do it. So Tyler just sat with his family.    
  
He skipped out on saying the prayer with the rest of the people that day.    
  
It was only logical for Tyler to go home and get on his laptop. He had a message from Brent and he smiled, sitting down and opening it.    
  
_ Brent: baby im gonna be in town next week, what if we made your wishes come true? _   
  
Tyler wrote out a quick yes, imagining how rough Brent might be with him this time around. He spent much of the next week daydreaming about what might happen and was more than ready when Brent asked to pick him up from his house. He said he'd be out front and sent the address.    
  
"Mom, I'm going over to Ryan's house again," he said as he ran down the stairs and she replied with a 'have fun' before he was out the door. He wasn't sure what he should have brought besides a change of clothes, didn't know if Brent expected anything. He kinda just hoped that Brent wouldn't be too picky about what Tyler needed if anything. Was he supposed to have done something before they met?    
  
He couldn't even go back inside because headlights were turning down his street and slowing down in front of him. There was the ever attractive Brent in the front seat, a soft smile on his face. It didn't match the look on his eyes that was knowing, looking Tyler up and down like he was trying to decide what part of body he was going to mark up first. Tyler shivered under the stare before he ran around the car and got in. Neither one of them talked before they got to the hotel that Brent was apparently staying in. He looked at Tyler and broke the silence.    
  
"I'm gonna ask it again before we do anything but are you sure? I know you put on this facade like you know what you're doing but I can tell that you don't. I know you're nervous. I don't want to be the one to force you into anything," Brent said and Tyler felt a swarm of happiness, maybe even the start of feelings. He leaned across the console and kissed Brent, smiling when he felt Brent lean into him.    
  
"I promise I'm okay," Tyler said quietly, "I've been waiting for this since before we even talked."   
  
Brent gave him an odd look but didn't comment on it. Instead he got out of the car and Tyler followed, sticking close behind Brent as they went into the building. Tyler knew that Brent wasn't looking for a relationship, Tyler wasn't either really, but he still wanted a taste of it. He was tempted to reach out and grab Brent's hand, to see what it was like to have some guy lace his fingers through Tyler's. It seemed there was some sort of unspoken boundary though that Tyler may have began to cross in the car. He wouldn't push his luck with this.    
  
The room wasn't extremely impressive, it was a bed and a small kitchen area and a bathroom but that was more than enough for Tyler. He walked over to the bed and sat up by the headboard, watching as Brent sat at the small table and looked at a few papers. He seemed to feel Tyler's eyes on him.    
  
"What? That excited for it?" He asked as he looked over at Tyler, laughing quietly. Tyler laughed along with it and shrugged.    
  
"Maybe, I seem to recall that I was told my dreams would come true, I'm just waiting for a little magic," Tyler said, looking away like he was disinterested. There was another shuffle of papers that caught his attention and he looked over to see Brent standing at the foot of the bed. Tyler felt the nerves in his stomach, the excitement that bubbled up. He watched as Brent tugged the shirt over his head quickly, smirking when he saw Tyler's eyes drift over his chest and stomach.    
  
"I'll ask it again, are you a hundred percent sure about this?" He asked and Tyler swallowed, looking up to meet his eyes. His mouth felt dry and he was having trouble forming the words.    
  
"A hundred and ten percent," he whispered, earning a chuckle from Brent.    
  
"Okay, any time you want to stop, just tell me and I will," and Tyler decided that he picked the best person to experience this with. Tyler nodded his understanding and then Brent was on top of him, his lips harsh against Tyler's. He had a hand on Tyler's hips, dragging him closer, his grip tight enough that it had Tyler squirming.    
  
Tyler reached an arm up to wrap around Brent's neck, whining quietly when Brent bit at his lip, licking into Tyler's mouth. He had a hand under Tyler's shirt, his fingertips trailing over skin and leaving goosebumps behind. His nails were raking down Tyler's back, making him arch into Brent's body, sending a spark that went straight to his dick.    
  
Brent was pulling back and Tyler tried to follow but there was a hand on his chest, holding him back. Tyler's shirt was being pulled over his head and there was a hand at his jeans, trying to unbutton them and take them off. Tyler helped to wiggle out of them, blushing when he realized just how close to naked he was, how close to sex he really was. He had no intentions of backing out as he reached up to Brent's jeans, unbuttoning them like he did the week before. He slipped his hand inside, happy to see that Brent closed his eyes and bit his lip. Tyler liked knowing that that was because of him, he caused that.    
  
"You keep touching me like that and we won't ever get around to sex," Brent whispered, opening his eyes to look at Tyler. He pouted, pulling his hand back out.    
  
"Well then hurry up," he shot back, smirking when Brent looked a little taken aback.    
  
Brent was grabbing at his hips and flipping him over, his finger dug into the skin and Tyler gasped in pain, even though he was enjoying every second of it. Brent was pulling his boxers down and tossing them somewhere in the room before he grabbed at Tyler again, forcing him onto his knees, his ass presented to the air.    
  
Tyler whined as a shiver went through him and he needed something but he wasn't sure what it was. He wanted so many things all at once.    
  
"Please," he begged, not finding anything else to come out of his mouth. Brent was moving around behind him before he was pressing up against Tyler, this time naked. His cock was hard and warm against Tyler's ass, a tease of what was being stalled. Tyler tried wiggling his hips, trying to get Brent to give in but instead he got two hands holding him still. Brent leaned over top of Tyler, lips by his ear.    
  
"What do you want, baby?" He asked and Tyler's eyes fell closed.    
  
"I want you to fuck me," Tyler responded only to get Brent tsking in his ear.    
  
"No, tell me  _ exactly _ what you want."   
  
Tyler thought for a minute, trying to find his words. It was hard to think when Brent was behind him, grinding slowly against Tyler. He wanted that friction inside of him, this wasn't enough.    
  
"I want you to fuck me so that I feel you tomorrow, I wanna be out of breath because I can't stop moaning, please," Tyler said and he wondered if married couples ever talked like this or if he was just so far from any Christian lifestyle.    
  
Brent didn't ask for anymore. There was the sound of a lube bottle cap and then there were fingers at Tyler's hole, two of them pushing in easily and Tyler hadn't ever done that before and it was painful but all he did was whine, pushing his hips back because he still needed more, he wanted. Brent was going slow but there was still more force behind it. He was reaching places inside of Tyler that Tyler couldn't have ever found. He moaned as Brent's fingers pushed against his prostate. Then a third was being added and Tyler hadn't gone this quick before. He felt full and on the edge of pain but there was so much pleasure that he couldn't done anything but gasp and clutch the pillow that was under his head.    
  
"Just fuck me, please, I'm okay," he said, desperate to feel Brent inside of him.    
  
The fingers were gone and Tyler was whining, needing something. The tip of Brent's cock was at his hole. Tyler was about to take a deep breath to relax but he didn't get very far before Brent pushed in, the air punching out of Tyler's lungs. He had been right, this was much better than fingering himself.    
  
Tyler let out a shaky moan. Brent was pulling out just a little before pushing back in, small thrusts as he let Tyler get used to the feeling. Tyler didn't want gentle though, he wanted rough. He was pushing his hips back into Brent, wiggling as best he could and earning himself a quiet groan. Brent took that as his cue and he pulled almost all the way out before he snapped his hips. He pushed in hard and fast and Tyler couldn't catch his breath long enough to even be able to moan. He was making these small little whimpers every time Brent pushed in, his knuckles white where they were gripping at the sheets.    
  
Brent leaned over the top of Tyler again, the small movement changing the angle and how deep he was. His hand was on Tyler's cock, jacking him off as he thrusted. Tyler was trying to keep his body calm but the longer Brent did that, the harder it was. He felt way too much all at once and he was coming over Brent's hand, his ass clenching around Brent's cock. The older man stilled, waiting as Tyler rolled through his orgasm before he continued thrusting into Tyler. His hand was still jacking Tyler off slowly and the stimulation on his cock and in his ass too much and he was choking around a cry.    
  
"Fuck, fuck," he mumbled, squirming more but he couldn't get away from it, he didn't want to get away from it. He reached a hand down to grab at Brent's wrist though because his cock was starting to hurt with oversensitivity. His body felt spent and he wanted to sleep but Brent was still thrusting into him, using his ass like he owned it and it was everything Tyler had begged for. He felt dizzy on the high of his orgasm and dizzy on the fact that Brent wasn’t letting up and it was painful and it was pleasure and he didn't notice how loud he was moaning until there was a hand over his mouth.    
  
Brent kept hitting his prostate and Tyler might've been crying but he wasn't sure. There was a hand in his hair, pulling roughly on it and it was arching Tyler's back. He felt lips on his neck, biting and sucking at the skin as his cock was still pushing in. Tyler was trying to clench his ass and help to finish Brent quicker because too much, too fucking good.    
  
Brent's hips finally stilled as he came inside Tyler. It was a weird feeling that Tyler couldn't really describe except for the fact that he wanted it again. He felt almost accomplished that he'd managed to be good enough to get this guy off. Tyler decided to save any other thoughts for later because his body felt numb and he was needing sleep. He was trying to close his eyes and pass out for the night but Brent's hands were all over him, turning him onto his back, demanding Tyler's attention.    
  
"Satisfied now, baby?" He asked and Tyler smiled lazily.    
  
"How often will you come into Columbus for work?" He asked, wondering if this might become a thing. Brent chuckled and left the bed, coming back with a washcloth.    
  
"Get some sleep, baby," he whispered and that was all it took for Tyler.    
  
He was woken up the next morning to warm, wet around his cock. He'd never felt it but he never wanted it to end. Tyler's eyes opened and he looked down to see Brent's lips wrapped around his cock and Tyler suddenly realized what was going on.    
  
"Oh, fuck," he groaned, his hand fluttering in the air for a moment before he tangled his fingers in Brent's hair. The older man pulled off of Tyler then, leaving him to whine at the loss.    
  
"Good morning," he said, his eyes dark as he looked up at Tyler.    
  
"No, don't stop," Tyler said, frowning for a minute before Brent nodded and continued. He leaned down, his mouth opening and taking Tyler in. Tyler could feel himself hitting the back of Brent's throat and he moaned each time, wondering why he'd never had someone do this to him sooner.    
  
He was watching Brent carefully, not noticing until then how the older man was jacking himself off hard and fast.    
  
"You like sucking me off that much?" Tyler stuttered out, a moan slipping out as Brent ran his tongue along the tip of Tyler's cock. He pulled off again after that.    
  
"I could say the same for you, last week you were on your knees jacking off because you loved my cock so much, had to come back for seconds." Tyler couldn't really argue because it was all true. He liked being the cause of someone else's moans.    
  
"Fuck, okay, go back to what you were doing," Tyler mumbled, giving a soft tug to Brent's hair. The older man did as he was asked, his cheeks hollowing out as he went down and it only took another minute before Tyler was coming.    
  
Brent was crawling up on the bed to kiss Tyler until they were both out of breath.    
  
"I should probably get you home soon," he said, leaning back and then getting off the bed to get dressed. Tyler frowned, not wanting to have to go back quite yet. He sat up but didn't get changed yet.   
  
"Are you gonna be coming down here somewhat regularly?" Tyler asked and Brent looked over his shoulder at where Tyler was sitting. He raised an eyebrow before he went back to putting his socks on.    
  
"Probably will, why are you asking?" Tyler rolled his eyes because that was a dumb question.    
  
"You know why," is all he said in return. He felt a little self conscious actually trying to say what he wanted out loud.    
  
"I just blew you and you're already trying to weasel me into more sex?" Brent asked but it wasn't judging. He was almost laughing.    
  
"I had fun, I wanted to do it again," Tyler said, looking down at his lap. He shifted until he could pull the sheets over himself.    
  
"I wouldn't mind."   
  
Tyler definitely was gonna come back for more.    
  
It was a month later when Brent informed Tyler that he was coming back. Tyler was waiting outside his house like last time, a little bit more confident with himself and their situation. He had some ideas he wanted to try out.    
  
Brent took him up to his hotel room and they made out and undressed each other before Tyler pushed against Brent's chest.    
  
"Lay down," he said and Brent gave him a look.    
  
"Why should I take orders from you?" He asked, though he was scooting back towards the head of the bed.    
  
"Because I want to try this and you're gonna let me." Brent didn't argue with Tyler.    
  
It worked out in Tyler's favor anyway. He found the lube that Brent had brought and opened himself up in front of the other man. He swatted away Brent's hand a couple times, almost laughing at the pained look Brent got each time Tyler would moan. When he felt he was opened enough he crawled over and straddled Brent's lap. He had been wanting to try fucking himself on top of someone, wanted to know what it was like to have a little bit of control.    
  
He was sinking slowly down around Brent's cock, letting his head tip back as he did. Tyler gave an experimental roll of his hips, finding what felt best to him before he started bouncing. It didn't take long before Tyler was being flipped over onto his back but he didn't mind because Brent was fucking into him hard, the whole bed rocking with them. Tyler's nails were digging into Brent's shoulders and he was trying to keep quiet, didn't want the people in the room one over to hear him.    
  
Tyler always came quickly with Brent and this time was no exception. Brent followed him shortly after and they laid together that night until it was time for Brent to drop Tyler off.    
  
He changed his biography on the website to include that he was looking for hookups. He and Brent were not exclusive, Tyler had asked before he did anything. It turned out to work in Tyler's favor because Brent was getting jealous and that made the sex all the more better. Tyler started to get other offers too, various men that were looking for someone as well. Tyler just deleted a couple of the messages because as hard as he tried, he wasn't attracted to them. There were others that _ holy shit, _ they were attractive and Tyler sent them a quick yes because he was definitely down.    
  
There was one particular night that Tyler remembered. He was up against the wall of some gas station bathroom. He still wasn't sure how he'd gotten to be in this situation but it, as always, felt nice and Tyler really wouldn't complain. It kind of hit him all at once just how far he had gone, how far away from any values he used to have. Tyler was getting fucked by a stranger, all thoughts of safety, of morals gone.    
  
"Fuck," Tyler said, his hand balling into a fist as they guy adjusted his angle. The word had double meaning, though. He said it because it felt good but he also said it because he felt sick to his stomach. He was letting so many people down with each thrust this guy pushed into him and Tyler wanted to take it all back.    
  
He turned his head and rested his forehead against the wall. A few tears fell down his cheeks and he was whispering quietly to himself.    
  
"Please Lord, forgive me for I have sinned." He repeated it over and over but he felt no sense of purity wash over him, no sense of relief. He figured his prayers were useless at this point, he had embarrassed God enough by just existing in the way he was. The man came inside of Tyler and Tyler let out a choked moan, reaching up to wipe the tears away.    
  
He was left in the bathroom alone, the guy muttering about not being somebody's bitch all because he couldn't jack Tyler off for a few seconds. Tyler would have done it himself but he looked down at himself, his pants around his thighs and his cock hard for some stranger who used him and left. He pulled his pants up and then leaned against the wall. His knees buckled and he was crying, covering his face with his hands.    
  
"I'm so sorry," he sobbed to no one but it was meant for so many people. He meant it for his family who he was letting down each time he stepped foot outside in search of some hot mouth or some person willing to fuck him. He was letting down his friends because he was just lying, he knew that if they had knowledge of what Tyler was doing that they'd want nothing to do with him, he was selfishly keeping them around. He was letting down God most of all. He still believed that there was somebody up above, someone who would save the ones who were good and take them up to heaven and Tyler was no longer good. He lost that title years ago and he wished so badly that he could go back to it. He wished that when he prayed for forgiveness that it would mean something but it didn't. He knew that it could never mean anything because Tyler would go home that night to texts from Brent, asking if next week when he was in town they could get together and Tyler would get excited at the thought of spending another night with the older man.    
  
Brent had been in town for two hours and Tyler tried to leave early, telling his mom he wanted to hang out with friends but she said no.    
  
"Tyler, you've been going out with your friends so much lately, I've hardly even seen you. Stay and eat dinner before you go." Tyler had no argument. He told Brent that and there was obvious disappointment.    
  
_ Brent: baby, i need you now _   
  
Tyler didn't respond as he helped set the table for dinner.    
  
_ Brent: was thinking that maybe tonight you could come over and suck me off again. i loved your pretty lips around my cock. maybe i could eat you out tonight too. want to know what if your ass tastes as good as your cock _ _  
_   
Tyler blushed as he read the texts, sitting down in his spot at the dinner table.    
  
"Tyler, put your phone away, we're eating dinner," his mother scolded and Tyler fumbled for a second before he shoved it into his pocket.    
  
They ate silently for a while before Zack spoke up, a small smile on his face.    
  
"I asked that girl out today," he said and their mother lit up.    
  
"Oh, honey, that's great!"   
  
The rest of the family went off talking about his plans and what she was like. Their mother was gushing over him. Tyler was trying to pay attention and participate in his family conversation but it was hard because his phone was buzzing in his pocket. He knew that it was Brent, sending him messages about what he was in for for that night. He knew without even looking that they were all dirty. Tyler was caught up in thinking about texts and that night when his mother turned her attention on him.    
  
"Tyler, when are you gonna ask out a nice girl?" She asked and Tyler gave a weak shrug.    
  
"I don't know, there haven't been any who've caught my eye," he said and felt sick to his stomach because he hated having to lie. He wish that he could just tell his parents that he was looking for a nice boy. Thought he wasn't really looking for a date currently.    
  
Tyler felt guilty a lot of the time. He wasn't ever satisfied with how things were going. Brent wasn't enough so he needed to find other men who would be willing to fuck him. He was greedy, begging these men to fuck him again even though he was exhausted and his muscles were weak. He could hardly push himself up in bed and he was begging to please whoever it was. Tyler thought that one time he said the words 'use me.'   
  
Most of the time the men he hooked up with weren't exactly gay or weren't comfortable with it. They refused to touch Tyler, telling him that they wanted nothing to do with his vile sexuality but they were hard and he was willing so what did it matter? Tyler hated himself just enough to get down on his knees for these men and suck them off. He hated himself just enough to put up with the men who refused to acknowledge the fact that he was a male.    
  
"Such a pretty girl," one man had said to him and Tyler let it because then he was moaning and Tyler was the cause of it.    
  
But a lot of things changed one day when he went to that first club again. He had gone in search of someone who would fuck him in the bathroom but instead he found a boy with a soft face and curly red hair. The boy was around his age, a lot younger than most of the people that Tyler was with.    
  
"I'm sorry, I saw you and I just wanted to say I think you're really handsome," the boy said, unable to meet Tyler's eyes. Tyler studied him and saw that the boy was blushing and for a second Tyler thought that maybe he could like this boy. He remembered that he wasn't good for much besides being used and pushed that thought away, he didn't want to get attached.    
  
"I, uh, thank you. I hope you know you're handsome as well," and the boy looked up then, a dazzling smile on his face. That was the first time that Tyler felt something other than 'please fuck me.' This was the first time he wanted to just kiss someone and hold hands and call them his boyfriend. It was this boy with the ridiculous hair and a smile that should be illegal.    
  
It seemed that the boy, Josh, hated himself just enough as well to talk to Tyler. It was perplexing, why anyone would want any semblance of a romantic relationship with Tyler but this kid insisted, saying that he saw something special in Tyler.    
  
"Stop putting yourself down, Ty, you're more than you give yourself credit for. You've got such an amazing personality and you're just, fuck, I can't even explain it. You're so much more than anyone I've ever met."   
  
Tyler couldn't tell Josh about how he was pressured by Brent into having sex again. He wanted to just belong to Josh and only him but Brent was persistent and he had a way with words.    
  
Even so, Josh continued to talk to him. Somewhere along the way, they became boyfriends. It was a couple days after that that Josh was biting his lip as he held Tyler's hand.    
  
"What's wrong?" Tyler asked, noticing the nervous look on Josh's face.    
  
"I, uhm, I want you to meet my parents," Josh confessed. He understood Tyler's own home situation and didn't press him on that side but he was open with his family and he wanted to share Tyler with them. It made Tyler nervous but he agreed. He loved it when he could see Josh smile.    
  
He called his mom and let her know that he was going over to his friends house for the weekend. She was displeased but didn't say much else about it.    
  
Josh's house was nice and warm, welcoming. He was guided through the hall and into the living room where he smiled to Josh's mom and shook her hand.    
  
"It's so nice to meet you finally. Josh hasn't shut up about you," she said and Tyler laughed, feeling his boyfriend squeeze his hand and hide in his shoulder. They were sitting on the couch having a conversation, Josh's mom eating up how cute they were. She would smile anytime Josh said something sweet to Tyler, anytime Josh would lean over against Tyler.    
  
"I'm so glad he found you. Josh has been a little lonely even if he won't admit it."   
  
"Mom, please don't embarrass him yet, I don't want him to run away," Josh complained. Tyler turned his head and pressed a kiss to Josh's temple before he leaned over to whisper in his ear.    
  
"I'm not going anywhere, okay?" He said seriously, understanding how it felt to be lonely. He wanted Josh to know that he cared, that he wouldn't leave. Tyler for once felt like he could make something better of himself.    
  
"Your father's home from work," Josh's mother said, pointing at the wall and they all stopped and listened. They could hear the garage opening. They continued talking and Tyler heard a door open and footsteps come from down the hall. Josh stood up and pulled Tyler with him.    
  
"Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend," Josh said as his father rounded the corner. Josh was all smiles and genuine happiness and Tyler wished he could feel the same but he couldn't. Not with the sinking pit in his stomach. He looked up at the man who was Josh's dad and remembered how his knees hurt just last week as he was on the floor of some dingy motel. He remembered how there was some guys cock in his mouth and he had looked up through his eyelashes to see that very same face. He remembered how the man had been rough and pulling on his hair.    
  
Tyler ran his fingers through his hair, trying to get the feeling of Josh's father out of his head.    
  
"Hello," he said, letting go of Josh's hand to shake his fathers, "My names Tyler." He was trying to smile but he was pretty sure it came out awkward. Fortunately, Josh's father played along like he hadn't seen Tyler before.    
  
"Nice to meet you, my son hasn't shut up about you, I was wondering when he'd finally man up and bring you over." There was a short awkward laugh and then Josh was tugging Tyler towards the stairs. He went without a fight, needing to get away from the older man.    
  
Dinner was awkward that night because he kept looking up at his boyfriend who was smiling so wide at him. He could also feel his boyfriends fathers eyes on the side of his face. He didn't want to think about what he'd done, how he had really brought this on himself. Josh's mother asked if it would be alright if Tyler joined in on the prayer and he nodded. Tyler said his own inside his head though.    
  
It was the usual as he begged for forgiveness, wishing and hoping for someone to wash his sins away. They said 'amen' and Tyler knew it would never happen.    
  
The Dun family had a pleasant conversation through dinner and they tried to include Tyler but he didn't have much to say, couldn't form a decent sentence through all the muddled thoughts he had in his head. The only form of peace he found was when Josh took him up to his room.    
  
"Sorry about all the family time, I could tell you were starting to get a little uncomfortable. Figured you could use some alone time," he said and Tyler felt that it was a little suggestive. He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Josh's waist, giving a small smile when he felt Josh's around his neck.    
  
"Your family's nice but they're a lot," he said and Josh nodded.    
  
"My mom asks a lot of questions," Josh concluded and Tyler ended the conversation there because he didn't want to think about Josh's parents. He didn't want to think about what he had done and how he was honestly just fucked up.    
  
Tyler chose to forget in Josh's lips. He pressed into Josh, letting his mind go blank as he felt the small smile of Josh's lips against his. He let his worries go as he bit at Josh's lips, wanting to taste him and him only, he wanted the taste of Josh's father off his tongue, out of his head.    
  
Josh was grinding against him slowly, a small moan leaving his lips and Tyler pulled back, raising an eyebrow at Josh.    
  
"Shit, I'm sorry. I don't normally get turned on this fast okay, it's just been awhile, I-" Tyler shut him up with a short kiss.    
  
"Let me help," he whispered, smirking at the way Josh blushed as Tyler sunk to his knees.    
  
Tyler hated how familiar this felt to him, hated how reaching up and unbuttoning Josh's pants felt like any other man that he'd sucked off before. He didn't want to remember how many times he had done this but it was hard to forget and let the memories go when everything but the person was the same.    
  
He wanted so desperately for Josh to be different but he wasn't.    
  
But he didn't really mind this. He still felt the satisfaction at the gasp Josh let out when he first felt the warm, wet heat of Tyler's mouth. He still felt the pride when he was the one able to make Josh moan as he hollowed his cheeks and swallowed around the tip of Josh's cock.   
  
Josh's hand was in his hair but it was softer than the other men's hands. This one was almost loving. Tyler choked for the first time in a long time because he felt that he might cry at how sweet Josh was being to him. If only Josh knew the things he had done.    
  
He swallowed the come in his mouth and looked up at the blissed out face of his boyfriend. He looked at the smile and the soft touches on his cheek as Josh was pulling him up to his feet. He was kissing Tyler and it was soft and loving and nothing like Tyler knew.    
  
"Want me to?" Josh asked quietly and Tyler shook his head.    
  
"No, I just wanna cuddle," he said and Josh nodded, pulling him into bed. They curled up into each other, Tyler's arms around Josh. He pressed kisses into Josh's hair as the other boy fell asleep. Tyler wanted to experience this more often and he wanted to think about Josh only but he couldn't because he felt tainted. Too many other people had touched him and used him, bent him over a piece of furniture and had their way with him. Tyler wasn't ever going to be good enough for a relationship.    
  
He felt the steady breaths from Josh and slithered out of the bed. He stood watching him for a moment, studying his soft face, the beauty that this boy held. Tyler wanted so badly to be good enough for him.    
  
He tried yet again to be good enough.   
  
Tyler was on his knees with his hands clasped tightly together, forehead resting against his hands.    
  
"God, please rid me of my sins. I want to be somebody worth investing in, I want to be somebody that could evoke pride. I want to," he paused as he sniffled, leaning back to wipe away the tears.    
  
"I want to be good enough," he said finally as he stood up. Tyler gave one last look to Josh who was peacefully asleep in his bed before he left the room to go downstairs. He needed some water so he could help calm himself down before he really started to cry. He was standing over the counter, a glass of water in his hand when he heard the voice behind him.    
  
"I didn't expect your pretty face to walk in my door when Josh said he was bringing home his boyfriend." Tyler spun around to see Josh's father standing in the kitchen a few steps behind him.    
  
"I," Tyler started, trying to defend himself but he couldn't say anything.    
  
"Can't be too into my son if you were with me only a week ago," the man said, sounding like he was angry with Tyler for what he'd done.    
  
Tyler was trying to stutter out a response that would be an apology as much as it was a confession.    
  
"I, it's not like that, okay? Hey, wait. You can't be that into your wife if you were with me only a week ago," Tyler spit back. The man looked angry as he stepped forward but his hand went to Tyler's hair, tipping it back. It was uncomfortable to breathe and Tyler was ashamed with how it turned him on. He didn't want to admit that he wouldn't feel this way with Josh, he couldn't see Josh being rough with him, in fact, it would be the opposite.    
  
"You will  _ not _ speak of that to anyone, you hear?" The man seethed and Tyler gulped as he nodded. The man gripped tighter to his hair and Tyler's mouth fell open, a whine leaving with the air from his lungs.    
  
"That's what I thought," the man said with a smirk.    
  
Then his teeth were at Tyler's neck, scraping gently, sinking in once.    
  
"Please," Tyler gasped. He was unsure what he meant by it. He wanted it to mean 'please don't' because his boyfriend was in the room above them, he wanted to be faithful but what scared Tyler was that that might not be what he meant. There was a part of him that wanted it to be ‘please give me more’ and he was scared that that's what left his mouth.    
  
There was a hand grabbing at his cock from outside his jeans and Tyler's cheeks were red with shame.    
  
"I bet you get off on this," the man whispered, "I bet you enjoy the thought of almost getting caught."   
  
Tyler didn't want to agree but it had been a thing he thought about even when he was younger, fingering himself on his bed with his family only a few doors away.    
  
The hand on his cock was squeezing slightly and rubbing and Tyler wanted to run away but he also wanted to stay. There was honestly a part of him that was telling him to flee, that he could get out of this if he wanted. It was the same part of him that was hopeful for redemption, for a chance to be saved. What scared him was that the more dominant side of him was telling him that he liked it, that this is what he wanted and needed. That same part was the one that made him whimper and arch into the man like he was needy to be touched. The hand that was in his hair traveled down to his ass, squeezing it once. Tyler let out a moan, his hands reaching up to clutch at the man's shirt.    
  
Tyler realized that the small part of him that wanted to leave would never win.    
  
He reached down to his own pants, unbuttoning them and pushing them and his boxers down to his thighs.    
  
"Touch me, please," he begged, knuckles white as he felt like he was holding on for dear life. The man didn't hesitate as he reached down, jacking Tyler off slowly. He stopped after a few seconds, backing away as he looked Tyler up and down.    
  
"You're disgusting," he said, reaching forward and grabbing Tyler's shirt, flipping him around and pushing him into the counter. There was the sound of a cap and Tyler realized that after he found out who Josh's father was, there was no way that this night could have gone any differently. He hung his head as he felt fingers at his hole, pushing in quick and rough. It had been awhile since Tyler had been fucked. He had stuck to just sucking people off lately as a way to get around the fact that he was trying to be loyal. It didn't work so well obviously.    
  
Josh's father was rough and quick about it, never giving enough time for Tyler to get to that feel good spot before he was pushing into Tyler.    
  
He let out a groan as he gripped at the counter, trying to distract himself from the burn he felt. It eventually melted away and it left him with too much, too good and he was moaning even though he tried his hardest not to. The high noises leaving his mouth were uncontrollable because the man behind him was rough, going too hard and too fast and it was still bordering on painful but it was also exactly what Tyler liked. He reached down and started to jack himself off, his body aching with each thrust from the man behind him. He had pleasure burning through each nerve and he was coming, his sore ass clenching around the cock in his ass. He hadn't realized how loud he was until a hand was over his mouth and lips were at his ear.    
  
"Shut the fuck up, boy, my wife is upstairs," he said and Tyler tilted his head back, resting it on the man's shoulder. His body felt spent and the other man kept going, using Tyler until he was finished.    
  
He didn't even bother to stick around and help Tyler clean up.    
  
Tyler sighed as he pulled his pants back up and cleaned the counter and himself off. He was standing there, staring at the glass of water before he burst into tears. He let himself fall to the floor as he curled in on himself. There was so much negativity going through his head and he couldn't keep himself together anymore.    
  
He hated himself for the fact that he was so disgusting. Simply for the fact that he slept with people just for the satisfaction and pleasure of it. It wasn't even just the sex part, it was how often and how many and how disgusting it really was. Tyler hated himself for the fact that he had prayed to be good enough but he wouldn't ever be because of things like tonight. He couldn't ever feel like he deserved anything beautiful after the things that he had done.    
  
Tyler pushed himself up to his feet and wiped at his eyes and nose. He took in a deep breath to steady himself before he walked upstairs to his boyfriend's room.    
  
Josh was laying there peacefully, unaware of how disgusting his own boyfriend was. He was unaware of what he boyfriend had just done.    
  
Tyler felt sick to his stomach and wanted to leave but he knew that if he was going to pretend that he wasn't awful, he couldn't just leave.    
  
The problem was, he looked at Josh and he saw a future. He saw somebody that could help him and be enough. He saw somebody who would love and care for him. He saw somebody who was as perfect as they could get, beautiful and caring and sweet and everything Tyler could have settled down with. But then he looked at himself and saw the history. He saw all those other men's fingerprints littering his body. He could still feel them touching him and grabbing him. He could hear their moans and their words that they spoke in a hushed whisper.    
  
The worst part was he could still hear his own moans.    
  
So Tyler laid down next to his boyfriend and welcomed him with open arms as the sleeping boy curled into the warm body now present. Tyler was running his hand through Josh's hair, wishing once again that he could be good enough.    
  
At least for now the thoughts and sounds of the other men were replaced with a constant string of thoughts.    
  
_ I hate myself, I hate them, I hate what I've become,  _ over and over in his head. Tyler looked down at Josh at his side.    
  
_ He's beautiful, he's perfect, he's all that I want. _   
  
"He deserves more than I can give."

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you thought, please?


End file.
